


Dissonance

by Julia_Odvina



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Heavy Implications, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26292466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Odvina/pseuds/Julia_Odvina
Summary: For her, he would gladly face malice.
Relationships: Shiraishi Kageyuki/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

_"No one_ **_saved_ ** _me! I've had to work from the bottom up by myself! I've worked_ **_so_ ** _hard! I'm_ **_still_ ** _working, and yet despite all of this, I_ **_still_ ** _can't save myself!"_

_Give up, give up, give up,_ **_give up--_ **

_"It should've been_ **_you_ ** _who died, instead of Mama!"_

_"From now on, you'll continue to suffer."_

_"Don't assume for a second that you were ever a part of us."_

_"I want to disappear. I want my damn self to disappear--"_

_Die, die, die, die, die,_ **_die--_ **

_"Why won't it_ **_go away?!_ ** _"_

_\---_

_Even so, will you continue to wish for my happiness?_

_Even when you know what and how I am?_

_This is the real me. I've seen the end and I have no resentment left._

_"Why can't I die? Why is it painful to die? I don't want to suffer anymore… I don't want to exist anymore…"_

_Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me,_ **_kill me--_ **

_"I am an existence of contradictions. Of lies and truths. Of good and bad. I am unfathomable; incomprehensible."_

_And yet--_

_You still wish for my happiness?_

**_"Yes."_ **

\---

_Y_ **_o_ ** _UR W_ **_iSH_ ** _alo_ **_NE IS_ ** _n'_ **_t e_ ** _N_ **_OU_ ** _GH t_ **_O s_ ** _AVE "_ **_mE_ ** _"._

_But even so--_

_Please wish for my happiness._

_…_

_…_

_…_

**_"I will."_ **

_\---_

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More feels. Hooray.

_ "I have  _ **_nothing_ ** _! You aren't even  _ **_real_ ** _!" _

_ I shout at him, tears streaming down my face. _

_ "Your wish alone isn't enough!" _

_ Curse you, curse you, curse  _ **_you_ ** _! _

_ He hates it. _

_ He hates to see her like this. _

_ But he has no rebuttal. She's right. He  _ **_isn't_ ** _ real.  _

_ Even so, I will continue to wish. _

_ I pray that the world will be a little kinder to you with every day that passes. I pray that you will be a little kinder to yourself. _

_ Please forgive yourself.  _

**_Love yourself_ ** _. _

_ "I  _ **_can't_ ** _." _

_ I think about why.  _

_ There's plenty of reasons as to why. I have no reason to. It could've been anyone else but me, yet I was chosen to live. _

_ I haven't done anything worthy of existing. _

_ "Save me."  _

_ I beg him. _

_ He reaches out. _

_ But his hand doesn't reach me. _

_ " _ **_The only thing I can give you is this wish_ ** _.  _ **_Will you accept it?_ ** _ " _

_ … _

_ The look in her eyes changes and the light returns to her eyes.  _

_ For a moment, he's relieved. _

_ Relieved to see her smile. _

_ Her smile is bitter, sardonic, sad, happy, disgusted, everything.  _

**_It's better than her looking so lifeless_ ** _ \-- he thinks. _

_ The girl nods once. "Yes. I will accept your wish. I'll do my best not to let you down." _

_ It's his turn to smile.  _

_ His smile is sad, and the girl feels a pang of guilt. _

_ She didn't mean to make him sad, and yet here he was smiling sadly at her.  _

_ She feels sick, and tries to resist the urge to throw up. _

**_I can't reach her._ ** _ He reminds himself.  _

_ His hand is still outstretched, however the girl is already walking away. _

_ \--- _

_ He's grateful that she accepted his wish. _

_ Because for her-- _

_ For her, he would gladly face malice. _

_ He can't physically help her but he hopes that his wish can one day help her face her own malice. _

**_Please reach her_ ** _ \-- _

**_If my feelings can reach her one day, then--_ **

_ \--- _

_ I'll keep your wish close to my heart. _

_ Until the day I can be truly happy. _

_ I promise.  _

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while dying at 1 am.

**Author's Note:**

> It's a pile of references from a few different things and my personal thoughts on myself.
> 
> Another small word dump, I suppose.
> 
> The title leans more on Cognitive Dissonance than it does on musical dissonance.
> 
> This fic is a mess smh.


End file.
